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Bartholomew
(Barry) William Benedict Ferguson
Age :27
years Height::1.82m Weight: 75.00kg. Born: 09/02/1978 in Glasgow
Ginger hair
(dyed brown), brown eyes, ferret face, snotters on upper lip.
Tattoos:
“0961” on arm (done it in mirror), “I redy” on chest, “Ranju” on
fingers of left hand (has extra finger on left hand), “Left” on
fingers of right hand.
Answers to
the name “Hawl Fannybaws.”
Can you help
us to find Barry? Last seen at about 12.25pm on Sunday the 24th of
April, Barry’s family and friends are growing increasingly concerned
as to his safety. Barry usually enjoys a kick about with his pals on
a Saturday or Sunday afternoon and this weekend was to be no
different. Unfortunately according to Barry’s friends he never
turned up for their weekly game this time and nobody has seen him
since.
A simple
lad, Barry is easily led by older boys and has often found himself
in trouble. Following a short time spent with his Uncle Graeme down
South, Barry returned to Glasgow to be closer to his current family
and further away from his future family. Police suspect that this
may have disorientated the youngster and left him in a state of
bewilderment.
Recently
there have been signs that all was not well with the young man and
since his return to Glasgow friends say he has not been himself.
Barry used to enjoy pretending to be the captain of his local
football team but lately he has been withdrawn and listless. Police
are concerned that the two things may be connected. Barry has a
tendency to run away when things get tough and his family are
concerned that he may have bolted again.
Do you know
where Barry is? Perhaps you spotted him on Sunday afternoon
somewhere in the Glasgow area? There are unconfirmed rumours that
Barry was seen in a Rangers tracksuit heading for Bothwell late on
Sunday night. Did you see a group of 5 year olds giving a wee ned a
kicking that night?
If
you know the whereabouts of Barry OR have ANY information as to
where he might be, PLEASE call Murray Park on 19577-120052-1, and
ask or leave information for Alex McLeish or whoever happens to be
manager of Rangers when you call.
it's a mans world
GIRL'S DIARY
Monday 28 February 2005 .
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit
late
so thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go
somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed,
and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was
saying.
I just knew that something was wrong
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in;
he
hesitated, but followed.
I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half
shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to
bed.
I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.
He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when
we
made love.
He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that
he
was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else.
I cried myself to sleep.
BLOKES DIARY
Monday 28 February 2005
Aberdeen lost to Celtic.
Gutted. Got laid though.
Alex
Mcleish takes the Rangers team out for dinner after another defea. The
waiter comes up and asks him what he'd like.
McLeish: "I'll have the prawn cocktail to start, followed by the 16oz
steak."
Waiter: "And the vegetables sir?"
Mcleish :" Oh! They'll have the same
A
Celtic fan, Rangers fan and a Falkirk fan are lost in the woods
together and spot a farm . The three of them approach the farm and
knock on the door. A man answers.
"Do you have a room for the night? ", asks the Falkirk fan.
"Yes, I do but one of you will have to sleep with the pigs".
"Fine I will sleep with pigs", replies the Celtic fan. At 2:00 o'clock
in the morning the Celtic fan appears at the door, "It is too smelly
down there", says the Celtic fan.
"Fine then I will sleep with the pigs ", says the Falkirk fan. At 3:00
o'clock in the morning the Falkirk fan says " It's too smelly down
there".
"Fine then I will go sleep with the pigs" says the Rangers fan . At
4:00 o'clock in the morning the pig appears at the door and says:
"It's too smelly down there!!"
A man
goes to Glasgow airport and eventually goes into the departure lounge
to wait for the call for his flight home. The place is a mess. All
around him are overturned tables, smashed windows, upturned chairs,
broken flight monitors and crowd control barriers littering the floor.
"Christ, what happened here?" he asks one of the ground crew.
"Oh," he replies. "Bloody hopeless it was, we had the Rangers squad in
here this morning filming the new Nike ad!"
Alex
McLeish died and went to heaven. God showed him to his new dwelling
and it was a rundown shack with with an old tattered Union Jack
hanging over the front door. McLeish wasn't too happy with this at
all. He looked off into the distance and saw a beautiful mansion with
a massive Celtic Flag hanging over the doorway. McLeish thinks to
himself, "Martin O'Neill must have died too" and so he says to God, "I
don't mean to be ungrateful, but how come Martin gets that gorgeous
mansion for a home and all I get is this rundown shack?" God replied,
"That's not Martins home, that's mine
A
Celtic fan enters a pub, after a few drinks he turns to the guy next
to him and says, "Do you want to hear a Rangers joke?"
The guy turns to him and says "Listen mate before you tell the joke I
should warn you, I’m 6ft 10 and a Rangers fan, that guy to your left
is 6ft and a member of a flute band, and the guy there is 6ft 5 and a
member of the orange order, Now do you still want to tell your joke?"
The Celtic fan replies, "No, not if I have to tell it 3 times
Barry
Ferguson is in a restaurant with Alex McLeish. The meal was going
great, they were all drinking an laughing then the starters arrived.
"Excuse me," said the waiter to Ferguson, "would you like some ginger
with your melon?"
"Naw," replied Fernando, "the gaffer got me some wine."
After
an Old Firm match Henrik Larsson and Fernando Ricksen go out for a
drink. After their drinks they go looking for some nice woman for a
laugh. They find a prostitute. Barry feruson asks how much is it for a
wank. The prostitute replies £20. Larsson then asks how much is it for
a superstar
What
does a hun do after he's just watched rangers beat Barcelona?
Turns off the playstation.
A
Rangers fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Hun top. He
knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter.
"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Rangers fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Rangers fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Rangers supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to
the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word
with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the
eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me.
Here's your thirty quid back, now feck off".
A van driver used to
amuse himself by scaring the shit out of every Glasgow Rangers fan he
saw strutting down the road in his blue and white uniform. He would
swerve as if to hit them, and at the last minute, swerve back onto the
road. One day as he was driving along the road, he saw a priest
hitch-hiking. He thought he would do his good deed for the day and
offer the priest a lift.
"Where are you going,
Father?" he asked.
"I'm going to say Mass
at St Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road," came the reply.
"No problem," said the
driver, "Jump in and I'll give you a lift."
The happy priest
climbed into the van and they set off down the road. Suddenly the driver
caught site of a Hun on the pavement, and instinctively swerved as if to
hit him, but just in time, remembering the priest in his van, swerved
back to the road again, narrowly missing the cunt. Although he was
certain that he didn't hit him, however, he still heard a loud "Thud".
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors,
and, seeing nothing, said to the priest, "Sorry Father, I almost hit
that Rangers Supporter walking down the road there."
"That's okay," replied
the priest, "I got the fucker with the door!"
Q:
Did you hear that the
Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Rangers Players on them and people
couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: What do Rangers Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What do Rangers Fans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How is a pint of milk different then a hun?
A: If you leave the milk out for a week it develops a culture!
Q:
What's the
difference between a Hun and a sperm?
A: At least a sperm has one chance in ten million of becoming a
human being.
Q:
How many Rangers fans
does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter, they're all condemned to eternal darkness
anyway.
Q:
What's the difference
between a Hun and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket...
Q:
What do you get when
you cross a Hun with a pig?
A: I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do.
Q:
Santa Claus, the tooth
fairy, an intelligent Hun and an old drunk are walking down the street
together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty pound note. Who
gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological
creatures.
A Tim, an Hun, a hot blonde
and a fat woman get on the tube.
They go into a tunnel and the lights go out, and suddenly they all
hear
a loud slap.
When the lights come on, the Hun has a big red handprint on his face.
The blonde thinks: "Oh, the Hun must have made a move for me, but
fondled that fat woman by mistake and she slapped him."
The fat woman thinks: "Hmm, that Hun tried to put the moves on
that
blonde and got slapped. Good for her."
The Hun thinks: "Hey, that Tim must have gone for the
blonde,
and she slapped me by mistake!"
The Tim thinks: "Boy, I hope we go through another tunnel, so I
can
smack that Hun f*cker again".
A teacher explains to her
class that she is a Ranger's fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Ranger's
fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why
didn't you
raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Ranger's fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Ranger's
fan,
then who are you a fan of?"
"The Glasgow Celtic, and proud of it," Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why are you a Celtic
fan?"
"Because my mum is a Celtic fan, and my dad is Celtic fan, so I'm a
Celtic fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no
reason for
you to be a Celtic fan. You don't have to be just like your parents
all of
time. What if your mum were a moron and your dad were a moron, what
would
you be then?"
"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Ranger's fan."
The Celtic team are having a
meeting on the eve of a
Rangers game and Martin says to the Bhoys.
"Look lad's, I know they're absolutely sh!te and we don't
want to play
them, but we have to or face the wrath of the SFA."
Henrik Larsson peps up "I've got an idea. Why don't youse
all go down the pub and let me play them on my own, after
all I'm good enough to beat them on my own. And remember they are
totally
pish !!
"Brilliant idea Henrik" says Martin, "let's do
that."
On the day of the game, the Bhoys are in the pub playing
pool when Lambo remembers the match is on. He flicks the
teletext on and up comes the score. Rangers 0, Celtic 1 (Larsson,
10min)
The lad's cheer and get the drinks in. At about 4:50pm,
they go to the teletext again and up comes the score.
Rangers 1 (Flo, 93min), Celtic 1 (Larsson, 10min)
"Oh f*ck !" cries Martin, "what the f*ck went wrong
?"
They all leave the bar and jump into taxi's and head back
to Parkhead. They rush in to find Henrik sitting in the
dressing room with his head in his hands.
"Well Henrik, what the f**k happened ?!?" screams
Lennon.
Henrik protests, "it was all going well and I had the game
under control,then that bastard Dallas sent me off in the
11th minute."
Today
is Stefan Klos' 30th birthday and he will be having a meal with his
team-mates tonight. However, they will have to eat with their hands as
they have no silverware
The Rangers players are in the
dressing room on Saturday,just
before the game, when Rickson walks in.
"Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not
playing unless I get
Cortisone injection."
"Hey," says Fergie. "If he's having a new car, so
am I."
A lion in the Glasgow zoo was
lying in the sun licking its arse when a
visitor turned to the keeper and said, 'That's a docile old thing isn't
it?'
'No way', said the keeper, 'its the most ferocious beast in the zoo.'
'Why
just an hour ago it dragged a Rangers Fan into the cage and completely
devoured him.'
'Hardly seems possible' said the astonished visitor, 'why is it lying
there
licking its arse?'
'The poor thing is trying get the taste out of its mouth.'
A Celtic fan was sitting with an
Hibee and a Rangers
fan in Saudi
Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when
all of a sudden, Saudi
police entered and arrested them. They were
initially sentenced to death
but they contested this and were finally imprisoned for life.
But, a was a national
holiday, the Sheikh decided they
should be released after
receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were
preparing for their
punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said:"It's my
first wife's birthday
today, and she asked me to allow each of you one
wish before your
whipping."
So the Rangers fan thought for a while and then
said: "Please tie a pillow
to my back." This was done but the pillow only
lasted 10 lashes before
the whip went through.
The Hibee, watching the scene, and said: "Please
fix two pillows on my
back". But even two pillows could only take 10
lashes before the whip
went through again.
Before the Celtic fan could say something, the
Sheikh turned to him and
said: "As you are from the right side of a popular
city, with almost full
employment and clean air and your women are
beautiful you can have two
wishes!".
"Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The
Celtic fan replies.
"My first wish is: "I would like to have 40
lashes."
if you so desire", the Sheik replies with a
questioning look on his
face, "and your second wish?"
"Tie the Rangers fan to my back!"
McLeish and Ferguson in the pub
and there is a cat sitting on the table. One
man comes in, picks the cat up and looks under it. another man comes in
and
dose the same. advocaat says the next man to do that im going to ask
them
why. So the next man comes in picks the cat up and looks under it,
advocaat
says why did u just d o that. he replies A MAN OUTSIDE TOLD ME THERE WAS
A
CAT IN HERE WITH TWO AR**HO***
A Rangers family were shopping
in the Bon Accord centre one day and went in
to a sports shop.
Little Tam went and pulled on an Aberdeen fitba top and went to his
sister
and said "hey look at me I'm a Don."
She slapped him in the face and told him to go to his mother, he went
and said " hey ma look, I'm a Don," she slapped him in the
face and told
him to go
to his faither, he did
And said " hey da look at me I'm a "
His father slapped him in the face and said "get that top aff right
now."
On the return journey in the car to Glasgow, his mother said
"well wee Tam I hope you learned something today,"
he said !I sure did ma, I've only been a Don for five minutes and I hate
you Hun bastards already.
Barry Ferguson had a near-death
experience the other day when he went riding.
Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up |and
down out
of control. He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no good.
With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head-first to the
ground. His
head continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop
or even
slow down. Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending. Just as he
was
giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth's' manager came
along and unplugged it.
How do you get
into the cup final if you don't have a ticket
1. Wear a sash and an apron and say your of
the match officials
2.Go
with a lap top, put on your most depressed expression
and
say your with the daily hun
Q:
How do you kill a Rangers fan?
A:
Smash the toilet seat down on his head while he's having
a drink.
Q:
What's 2 feet long and hangs from an arsehole?
A:
Alex McLeish' tie
Did
you know that Rangers had a polaroid team photo taken
recently and they were so dull it took hours to develop !
Q:
How do you brainwash a Rangers fan?
A:
Give him an enema
Q:
What's the difference between a Rangers fan and a
computer?
A:
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
The
Rangers team bus broke down on the way to Parkhead.
Luckily the bus was full of spares and tools, so they
were able to get it fixed in time.
Q:
How can you tell a levelheaded Rangers supporter?
A:
He dribbles from both sides of the mouth at the same
time.
Q:
What's the definition of an Ibrox virgin?
A:
A girl who can run faster than her brother.
Q:
What's the difference between a Rangers supporters coach
and a hedgehog?
A:
With a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside!
Q:
What do you call a Rangers fan who goes to University?
A:
A janitor.
Q:
Why do Rangers fans have moustaches?
A:
So they can look like their mothers.
Q:
What do you call a Rangers fan with a good knowledge of
football?
A:
Unique.
Q:
How long does it take a female Rangers fan to have a
shit?
A:
About nine months.
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