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Jokes

Alex Mcleish takes the Rangers team out for dinner after another defea. The waiter comes up and asks him what he'd like.
McLeish: "I'll have the prawn cocktail to start, followed by the 16oz steak."
Waiter: "And the vegetables sir?"
Mcleish :" Oh! They'll have the same

A Celtic fan, Rangers fan and a Falkirk fan are lost in the woods together and spot a farm . The three of them approach the farm and knock on the door. A man answers.
"Do you have a room for the night? ", asks the Falkirk fan.
"Yes, I do but one of you will have to sleep with the pigs".
"Fine I will sleep with pigs", replies the Celtic fan. At 2:00 o'clock in the morning the Celtic fan appears at the door, "It is too smelly down there", says the Celtic fan.
"Fine then I will sleep with the pigs ", says the Falkirk fan. At 3:00 o'clock in the morning the Falkirk fan says " It's too smelly down there".
"Fine then I will go sleep with the pigs" says the Rangers fan . At 4:00 o'clock in the morning the pig appears at the door and says:
"It's too smelly down there!!"

A man goes to Glasgow airport and eventually goes into the departure lounge to wait for the call for his flight home. The place is a mess. All around him are overturned tables, smashed windows, upturned chairs, broken flight monitors and crowd control barriers littering the floor. "Christ, what happened here?" he asks one of the ground crew.
"Oh," he replies. "Bloody hopeless it was, we had the Rangers squad in here this morning filming the new Nike ad!"

Alex McLeish died and went to heaven. God showed him to his new dwelling and it was a rundown shack with with an old tattered Union Jack hanging over the front door. McLeish wasn't too happy with this at all. He looked off into the distance and saw a beautiful mansion with a massive Celtic Flag hanging over the doorway. McLeish thinks to himself, "Martin O'Neill must have died too" and so he says to God, "I don't mean to be ungrateful, but how come Martin gets that gorgeous mansion for a home and all I get is this rundown shack?" God replied, "That's not Martins home, that's mine

A Celtic fan enters a pub, after a few drinks he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Do you want to hear a Rangers joke?"
The guy turns to him and says "Listen mate before you tell the joke I should warn you, I’m 6ft 10 and a Rangers fan, that guy to your left is 6ft and a member of a flute band, and the guy there is 6ft 5 and a member of the orange order, Now do you still want to tell your joke?"
The Celtic fan replies, "No, not if I have to tell it 3 times

Barry Ferguson is in a restaurant with Alex McLeish. The meal was going great, they were all drinking an laughing then the starters arrived.
"Excuse me," said the waiter to Ferguson, "would you like some ginger with your melon?"
"Naw," replied Fernando, "the gaffer got me some wine."

After an Old Firm match Henrik Larsson and Fernando Ricksen go out for a drink. After their drinks they go looking for some nice woman for a laugh. They find a prostitute. Barry feruson asks how much is it for a wank. The prostitute replies £20. Larsson then asks how much is it for a superstar

What does a hun do after he's just watched rangers beat Barcelona?
Turns off the playstation.

A Rangers fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Hun top. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter.
"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Rangers fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Rangers fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Rangers supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me.

Here's your thirty quid back, now feck off".

A van driver used to amuse himself by scaring the shit out of every Glasgow Rangers fan he saw strutting down the road in his blue and white uniform.  He would swerve as if to hit them, and at the last minute, swerve back onto the road. One day as he was driving along the road, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do his good deed for the day and offer the priest a lift.

"Where are you going, Father?" he asked.

"I'm going to say Mass at St Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road," came the reply.

"No problem," said the driver, "Jump in and I'll give you a lift."

The happy priest climbed into the van and they set off down the road. Suddenly the driver caught site of a Hun on the pavement, and instinctively swerved as if to hit him, but just in time, remembering the priest in his van, swerved back to the road again, narrowly missing the cunt.  Although he was certain that he didn't hit him, however, he still heard a loud "Thud".  Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, and, seeing nothing, said to the priest, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Rangers Supporter walking down the road there."

"That's okay," replied the priest, "I got the fucker with the door!"

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Rangers Players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What do Rangers Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What do Rangers Fans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How is a pint of milk different then a hun?
A: If you leave the milk out for a week it develops a culture!

Q: What's the difference between a Hun and a sperm?
A: At least a sperm has one chance in ten million of becoming a human being.
 

Q: How many Rangers fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter, they're all condemned to eternal darkness anyway.

Q: What's the difference between a Hun and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket...

Q: What do you get when you cross a Hun with a pig?
A: I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do.

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Hun and an old drunk are walking down the street together when     simultaneously they each spot a fifty pound note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

A Tim, an Hun, a hot blonde and a fat woman get on the tube.
 They go into a tunnel and the lights go out, and suddenly they all hear
a  loud slap.
When the lights come on, the Hun has a big red handprint on his face.
 The blonde thinks: "Oh, the Hun must have made a move for me, but
 fondled that fat woman by mistake and she slapped him."
The fat woman thinks: "Hmm, that Hun tried to put the moves on that
 blonde and got slapped. Good for her."
 The Hun thinks: "Hey, that Tim must have gone for the blonde,
 and she slapped me by mistake!"
 The Tim thinks: "Boy, I hope we go through another tunnel, so I can
smack that Hun f*cker again".
 

A teacher explains to her class that she is a Ranger's fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Ranger's 
fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you
raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Ranger's fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Ranger's  fan,
then who are you a fan of?"

"The Glasgow Celtic, and proud of it," Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why are you a Celtic fan?"

"Because my mum is a Celtic fan, and my dad is Celtic fan, so I'm a
Celtic fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for
you to be a Celtic fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of
time. What if your mum were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would
you be then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Ranger's fan."


 

The Celtic team are having a meeting on the eve of a
 Rangers game and Martin says to the Bhoys.
 "Look lad's, I know they're absolutely sh!te and we don't want to play
 them, but we have to or face the wrath of the SFA."

 Henrik Larsson peps up "I've got an idea. Why don't youse
all go down the pub and let me play them on my own, after
 all I'm good enough to beat them on my own. And remember they are totally
 pish !!

 "Brilliant idea Henrik" says Martin, "let's do that."

 On the day of the game, the Bhoys are in the pub playing
 pool when Lambo remembers the match is on. He flicks the
 teletext on and up comes the score. Rangers 0, Celtic 1 (Larsson, 10min)

 The lad's cheer and get the drinks in. At about 4:50pm,
 they go to the teletext again and up comes the score.

 Rangers 1 (Flo, 93min), Celtic 1 (Larsson, 10min)

"Oh f*ck !" cries Martin, "what the f*ck went wrong ?"

They all leave the bar and jump into taxi's and head back
to Parkhead. They rush in to find Henrik sitting in the
 dressing room with his head in his hands.

 "Well Henrik, what the f**k happened ?!?" screams Lennon.

 Henrik protests, "it was all going well and I had the game
under control,then that bastard Dallas sent me off in the
11th minute."

Today is Stefan Klos' 30th birthday and he will be having a meal with his team-mates tonight. However, they will have to eat with their hands as they have no silverware

The Rangers players are in the dressing room on Saturday,just
before the game, when Rickson walks in.
 "Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get
 Cortisone injection."
 "Hey," says Fergie. "If he's having a new car, so am I."

A lion in the Glasgow zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a
visitor turned to the keeper and said, 'That's a docile old thing isn't
it?'
'No way', said the keeper, 'its the most ferocious beast in the zoo.' 'Why
just an hour ago it dragged a Rangers Fan into the cage and completely
devoured him.'
'Hardly seems possible' said the astonished visitor, 'why is it lying there
licking its arse?'
'The poor thing is trying get the taste out of its mouth.'

A Celtic fan was sitting with an Hibee and a Rangers
fan in Saudi
 Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when
all of a sudden, Saudi
 police entered and arrested them. They were
initially sentenced to death
but they contested this and were finally imprisoned for life.

 But, a was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they
should be released after
receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were
preparing for their
 punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said:"It's my
first wife's birthday
 today, and she asked me to allow each of you one
wish before your
 whipping."

 So the Rangers fan thought for a while and then
said: "Please tie a pillow
to my back." This was done but the pillow only
lasted 10 lashes before
the whip went through.

 The Hibee, watching the scene, and said: "Please
fix two pillows on my
 back". But even two pillows could only take 10
lashes before the whip
went through again.

Before the Celtic fan could say something, the
Sheikh turned to him and
 said: "As you are from the right side of a popular
city, with almost full
employment and clean air and your women are
beautiful you can have two
 wishes!".

"Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The
Celtic fan replies.
 "My first wish is: "I would like to have 40
lashes."
if you so desire", the Sheik replies with a
questioning look on his
 face, "and your second wish?"

 "Tie the Rangers fan to my back!"

 McLeish and Ferguson in the pub and there is a cat sitting on the table. One
man comes in, picks the cat up and looks under it. another man comes in and
dose the same. advocaat says the next man to do that im going to ask them
why. So the next man comes in picks the cat up and looks under it, advocaat
says why did u just d o that. he replies A MAN OUTSIDE TOLD ME THERE WAS A
CAT IN HERE WITH TWO AR**HO***

A Rangers family were shopping in the Bon Accord centre one day and went in
to a sports shop.

Little Tam went and pulled on an Aberdeen fitba top and went to his sister
and said "hey look at me I'm a Don."

She slapped him in the face and told him to go to his mother, he went

and said " hey ma look, I'm a Don," she slapped him in the face and told
him to go
to his faither, he did

And said " hey da look at me I'm a "
His father slapped him in the face and said "get that top aff right now."

On the return journey in the car to Glasgow, his mother said
"well wee Tam I hope you learned something today,"
he said !I sure did ma, I've only been a Don for five minutes and I hate
you Hun bastards already.

Barry Ferguson had a near-death experience the other day when he went riding.
 Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up |and down out
of control. He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no good.
 With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head-first to the ground. His
 head continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop or even
slow down. Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending. Just as he was
giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth's' manager came
along and unplugged it.

How do you get into the cup final if you don't have a ticket

              1. Wear a sash and an apron and say your of the match officials

             2.Go with a lap top, put on your most depressed expression

    and say your with the daily hun

Q: How do you kill a Rangers fan?

A: Smash the toilet seat down on his head while he's having a drink.

Q: What's 2 feet long and hangs from an arsehole?

A: Alex McLeish' tie

Did you know that Rangers had a polaroid team photo taken recently and they were so dull it took hours to develop !

Q: How do you brainwash a Rangers fan?

A: Give him an enema

Q: What's the difference between a Rangers fan and a computer?

A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

The Rangers team bus broke down on the way to Parkhead. Luckily the bus was full of spares and tools, so they were able to get it fixed in time.

Q: How can you tell a levelheaded Rangers supporter?

A: He dribbles from both sides of the mouth at the same time.

Q: What's the definition of an Ibrox virgin?

A: A girl who can run faster than her brother.

Q: What's the difference between a Rangers supporters coach and a hedgehog?

A: With a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside!

Q: What do you call a Rangers fan who goes to University?

A: A janitor.

Q: Why do Rangers fans have moustaches?

A: So they can look like their mothers.

Q: What do you call a Rangers fan with a good knowledge of football?

A: Unique.

Q: How long does it take a female Rangers fan to have a shit?

A: About nine months.